When contemplating fatherhood (read: when your wife tells you she’s pregnant), you expect certain hurdles. You hear things like “good luck getting any sleep” and “if I ever see another dirty diaper again…” These things are hardly surprising, but there are some things that sneak up on you. They’re not in any book, and most parents don’t seem to put them on the priority list when griping about their own offspring. So here’s one: the damn glitter is enough to drive you nuts. I’m not kidding – it actually bothers me, and enough to write about it on an otherwise fine Saturday evening.
When it comes to parenting, most of the basics are summed up in any normal conversation with a parent or a what-to-expect-when-you’re-expecting book. For example, it wasn’t a total surprise when, after bathing my oldest daughter and getting her all dry and laying out her jammies she stops, smiles, and proceeds to piss a stream clear across the room. You go into it thinking you’re fairly well prepared for all the crazy things that children bring on.
Not glitter though.
Maybe it’s just my compulsiveness. It’s bad enough I’m forced to have other people in my house – like the wife, kids, and water treatment system maintenance guy. Not to mention they touch things and move stuff and even use the bathroom (not so much the water treatment fella – he comes and goes).
Little known fact: glitter is permanent. It’s like the Sharpie marker of the confetti family. You can barely see it – in fact I’m pretty sure it’s microscopic – I think the only thing you see is the reflection off of it. Forget about sweeping it up – it laughs at brooms as it slithers its way through the bristles to remain where your little rug rat put it. And any single bit of glitter (a glit?) that does get caught in the broom long enough to make its way toward the dust pan just slides right underneath it. So go ahead and put your finger on the glit – think you can pick it up? Nope. Doesn’t stick. Now lick your finger and try it. I’m serious, you know that’s the next thing you want to try – go ahead – do it. Still doesn’t work. Glitter only sticks to stuff you don’t want it to. It’s in it’s DNA.
Try the vacuum you say? You’re so silly. You may as well play the dust pan game. The vacuum wind at the heart of the vacuum suctioning process is not nearly enough to catch glitter and bring it along for the ride. Glitter is immune to high wind speeds. And don’t forget the microscopicity (new word) of glitter like I said – if the vacuum does catch it, it will just go through the filter and be shot across the room and land on the already glittery sofa.
I’m sure it’s impossible to ban the stuff too. First of all, kids will be kids – and glitter is part of the program. Secondly, it’s everywhere. Forget about kids for a second – you buy an anniversary card for the missus and there’s glitter in there. Hallmark has a piece of the action, so it’s not going anywhere.
So this rant really isn’t about solving this problem, it’s about petitioning to add glitter to the list of things-to-expect-when-you’re-expecting. Give everyone a fair heads-up, that’s all I’m asking for.